Definition: Someone pathologically addicted to external validation, performing exhausting mental gymnastics to harvest praise, likes, or even pity from anyone within earshot or scroll-distance. They’ll twist themselves into human pretzels of people-pleasing, humblebragging, or manufactured crises just to feel the warm fuzzies of approval. Their self-worth is a slot machine that only pays out when others feed it coins of recognition.

Example: Mark’s an applause junkie who posts “casual” gym selfies captioned “ugh, so unfit 😅” just to bathe in the “KING!” comments. He once cried actual tears because his mom forgot to like his LinkedIn post about making coffee.

Definition: A person hopelessly enslaved to nasal spray, whose sinuses rebel with apocalyptic congestion the moment the bottle leaves their clawed grip. They develop a terrifying tolerance, spraying industrial quantities up each nostril just to achieve five minutes of sweet, sweet airflow, only to plunge deeper into the vicious cycle of rebound swelling. You’ll find them hoarding bottles in every coat pocket, desk drawer, and car cup holder like a dragon guarding decongestant gold.

Example: Sarah became a full-blown Afrin Gremlin after that sinus infection—now she sneaks off to bathroom stalls for emergency sprays during meetings. Her nostrils probably look like two dried apricots in a desert.

Definition: The predatory entity (usually a corporation, algorithm, or politician) that intentionally designs experiences to hijack your brain’s reward system, creating dependency through endless micro-hits of feel-good chemicals. They weaponize everything from autoplay features and rage-bait headlines to personalized AI responses and “free” services, turning users into lab rats chasing the next neural high. Their entire business model relies on you becoming a blissed-out zombie scrolling, clicking, or voting without critical thought.

Example: I realized TikTok was my ultimate dopamine dealer when I caught myself watching paint dry reviews at 3 AM. The “For You” page is basically a fentanyl drip for your attention span.

Definition: The persistent psychic noise generated when your pain is systematically invalidated, making it impossible to process your own suffering. It’s the internalized echo of “You’re overreacting” or “Others have it worse” that drowns out your authentic emotions like radio interference. Years later, even therapy feels like shouting into the static—you intellectually know the hurt was real, but your gut still whispers “Fraud” when you cry. This static paralyzes healing because you’re fighting your own nervous system’s denial.

Example: “When her therapist said ‘That assault WAS traumatic,’ Lisa burst into tears—not from relief, but because the Trauma Static suddenly spiked. She’d spent 20 years gaslighting herself so hard that validation felt like a physical attack.”

Definition: Growing up with guardians whose reliability is as predictable as a slot machine payout, leaving you in a perpetual state of anticipatory dread. One day they’re your champion, the next they vanish emotionally or bail on promises, forcing you to parent yourself while gaslighting you about their absence. It wires your brain to see trust as a high-risk gamble and love as conditional performance art. The damage manifests as adulthood hyper-independence and flinching when people say “I’ve got you.”

Example: “Mark plays Caretaker Roulette every holiday—his dad swore he’d fly in for Christmas, but his flight ‘got canceled’ again. Now Mark buys nonrefundable tickets for solo trips and tells friends ‘reliability is my love language’ through clenched teeth.”

Definition: The cumulative psychological erosion caused by enduring relentless, low-level criticism from people in your daily orbit. Each nitpick feels insignificant alone, but together they act like abrasive grit slowly wearing down your self-worth and emotional resilience. It’s not dramatic screaming matches—it’s death by a thousand papercuts where every comment implies you’re perpetually inadequate. The victim often doesn’t realize they’re bleeding out emotionally until they’re a hollowed-out husk of their former self.

Example: “After five years with her micromanaging boss, Jamie’s confidence was pure Soul Sandpaper. She flinches now when anyone says ‘Actually…’ and triple-checks her coffee order like it’s a tax return.”

Definition: The theoretical, consequence-free reunion shag where the ex in question is literally deceased – a grimly specific loophole appealing only to those haunted by unresolved intimacy and grief. Eliminates typical risks like awkward breakfasts or renewed attachment, but introduces new complications like existential dread, grave-visit guilt, or explaining cold spots in your bedroom. The ultimate “no strings attached” scenario, mainly because the other party lacks a pulse and probably can’t critique your performance. Morbid curiosity meets phantom limb syndrome for the heart.

Example: “Would I ghost shag my ex? Yeah, to say goodbye properly… and also because her ghost probably can’t key my car this time.” “Dude, a ghost shag isn’t ‘closure,’ it’s a one-way ticket to needing a paranormal therapist and a regular one.”

Definition: The instant, soul-crushing clarity and regret that floods in approximately 2.7 seconds after sleeping with an ex you absolutely despise. Characterized by a cold sweat, profound self-loathing, and the visceral understanding that you’ve just donated your dignity to someone who already auctioned it off once. This state transforms your former lover from a momentarily appealing bad idea into your arch-enemy, complete with imaginary villain music and the urge to flee the country. The only known cure is a scalding shower and deleting their number during the Uber ride home.

Example: “We hooked up ‘consequence-free’ and now she’s my post-nut nemesis. I’m hiding in her bathroom Googling ‘witness protection for idiots’.” “Classic. Should’ve known your pants-down euphoria would summon your post-nut nemesis and her collection of your emotional red flags.”

Definition: The dangerous, temporary amnesia induced by unresolved physical chemistry with an ex, causing one to forget every toxic trait, emotional scar, and logical reason they broke up in the first place. Symptoms include rationalizing terrible decisions with phrases like “it’s just one time” while your brain screams through a fog of pheromones. This condition selectively erases memories of their passive-aggressive texts, commitment phobia, or that time they stole your fries and blamed the dog. Often leads to a catastrophic relapse in personal growth and three weeks of obsessive playlist-curating.

Example: “Bro, I was this close to texting her until my therapist diagnosed me with full-blown dicknesia. Remembered she microwaved fish at work and framed me for it.” “Yeah man, fight the dicknesia. That smell alone should be your repellent.”