Definition: The chaotic but noble coordinator of a mobile pack of therapy dogs, specifically tasked with bringing slobbery joy to stressed humans in places like hospitals. This role involves equal parts logistics wrangler, drool management expert, and heart-melting facilitator, navigating hallways with a furry entourage that specializes in tail wags and involuntary lap occupation. It’s less about commanding the dogs and more about strategically unleashing canine charisma while dodging IV poles and accepting grateful tears as payment.

Example: “After quitting corporate, Jen became a full-time Retail Therapy Rufferee, converting an old school bus into the ‘Wag Wagon’. Now her biggest challenge is explaining to the cardiology ward why three Golden Retrievers are enthusiastically ‘helping’ with treadmill stress tests.”

Definition: The phenomenon of becoming inexplicably rich by forgetting about Bitcoin you bought as a joke in 2013 and rediscovering it after it moons. Involves zero skill, research, or effort—just blind, dumb luck. Victims often develop a sudden Messiah complex, lecturing about “financial literacy” despite having Googled “how to wallet” 10 minutes prior. Usually followed by reckless NFT investments.

Definition: A person who accidentally became a millionaire by being born into wealth they neither earned nor appreciate. They often adopt a faux-bohemian lifestyle funded entirely by their trust fund, complaining about “the grind” while sipping $18 cold brews. Their greatest hardship is pretending to relate to people who actually work for a living. Typically spotted in vintage band tees that cost more than your rent, discussing their “art.”

Definition: Hancock Swerve That moment a story violently U-turns from a compelling premise into baffling nonsense halfway through, like a superhero drama morphing into an alien soulmate conspiracy. It’s a 136-degree plot detour

Definition: Funeral Montage When a film climaxes with a tacky, overstuffed parade of every character ever mentioned—dead or fictional—appearing out of thin air to “honor” a moment, completely obliterating any emotional weight. It’s like the director panicked and threw confetti cannons at a eulogy, transforming subtlety into a circus act. Often involves implausible cameos, like historical warriors prancing around modern graves or cartoon villains rolling up in wheelchairs. Named after a notorious scrapped movie ending so absurd it made audiences howl at its audacity.

Definition: The critical financial safety net that allows someone to navigate setbacks (job loss, medical bills, car explosions) without experiencing catastrophic freefall into destitution. It’s not about funding luxury ski trips; it’s about having enough reserves to ensure a flat tire doesn’t mean choosing between food and getting to work. Without a Poverty Parachute, every minor problem risks becoming a life-altering disaster. Rich people often forget theirs is automatically deployed at birth.

Example: “Her emergency fund acted as a Poverty Parachute when her freelance gigs dried up. She ate ramen for a month, but didn’t lose her apartment or max out credit cards. Total lifesaver.”

Definition: The undeniable ability of sufficient wealth to prevent or drastically reduce common, soul-crushing sources of unhappiness like eviction notices, predatory debt, or choosing between insulin and groceries. It doesn’t manufacture joy out of thin air, but it expertly dismantles the scaffolding of despair. Think of it as financial bubble wrap for life’s sharpest corners. The phrase “money can’t buy happiness” sounds profoundly ignorant to anyone whose misery stems directly from a lack of Misery Insurance.

Example: “Losing my job sucked, but my Misery Insurance meant I wasn’t panicking about rent. Cried in my heated pool instead of a bus shelter. Huge difference.”

Definition: The specific income level where additional money stops noticeably increasing your happiness because all your survival needs, security concerns, and basic leisure desires are fully covered. Beyond this point, stacking cash feels like trying to inflate a balloon that’s already full – you’re just making it tense and liable to pop. It’s the financial sweet spot where existential dread gets downgraded to mild existential pondering. People arguing below this line see money as oxygen; people arguing above it see money as decorative pillows.

Example: “Dude keeps working 80-hour weeks despite hitting his Comfort Ceiling years ago. Bro bought a solid gold toilet and still complains about existential voids. Maybe try therapy instead of another yacht?”

Definition: A driver who claims the left lane as their personal fiefdom, cruising exactly at (or 0.5mph above) the speed limit while oblivious to the growing convoy of rage behind them. They fancy themselves the “pace car” of public roads, enforcing speed limits with smug determination despite zero legal authority. Their presence transforms highways into mobile waiting rooms, inspiring fantasies of teleportation devices in every tailgater’s mind.

Example: “The Grand Prix Pretender in the Lexus blocked three miles of highway, convinced they were ‘managing traffic flow.’ Meanwhile, eight of us were drafting behind them like NASCAR rejects. Passing felt like escaping a hostage situation.”

Definition: The baffling act of hitting your brakes first and only flicking on your turn signal after you’ve already committed to stopping, as if the signal is an apology rather than a warning. It turns following drivers into mind-readers who must decipher whether you’re stopping for a pedestrian, a squirrel, or just existential dread. This habit suggests the driver views turn signals as a formality, like sending a “sorry I crashed your wedding” text after eating all the cake.

Example: “Karen hit Blinker Regret at the intersection, slamming her brakes for no visible reason before casually indicating right. I almost rear-ended her while screaming, ‘A heads-up next time, maybe?!’ My coffee now decorates my dashboard.”