Definition: The desperate stench of a salesperson who only activates their charm after realizing you have buying power. Characterized by sudden commission lust and whiplash-inducing personality shifts when money enters the conversation. Often involves social Darwinism where customers are ranked by perceived wealth. The cure is loudly taking your business elsewhere for sweet, sweet retail karma.

Example: Dude had serious commission breath when I walked into the Porsche showroom in sweatpants.
He transformed from a human mannequin to a golden retriever the second I mentioned my crypto dividends.

Definition: The profound, soundtracked sadness experienced when legendary composer John Williams dies, characterized by suddenly hearing his iconic themes everywhere and feeling intensely orphaned by the loss of the man who scored your childhood dreams. It’s the collective sob you hear in a movie theater when the Lucasfilm logo appears without his fanfare, knowing no new magic will ever be composed. This mourning is less about silence and more about the haunting echo of every trumpet swell and soaring string section suddenly feeling like a memorial.

Example: “Walking past the ice rink and hearing the ‘Olympic Fanfare’ triggered full maestro mourning. I just stood there frozen, realizing future kids won’t have new Williams scores to define their adventures.”

Definition: The uniquely devastating sense of loss when David Attenborough eventually passes, stemming from the realization that the soothing, authoritative voice narrating Earth’s natural wonders for generations will fall silent. It’s not just mourning a man, but mourning the extinction of the comforting presence that explained the planet’s magic since childhood. This grief carries an extra layer of existential dread, as his voice was the soundtrack to understanding and appreciating nature itself. You feel orphaned by the cosmos.

Example: “The day the news broke, I tried watching a new nature doc and just burst into tears. It wasn’t the same without his voice guiding me through the savannah; pure planetary grief hit like a tonne of bricks.”

Definition: The invasive, always-online DRM requiring players to log into distant servers just to enjoy a single-player game they legally own. Forces gamers into digital intimacy with unstable corporate infrastructure, often climaxing in rage-quits during server outages. Essentially a forced marriage between your solo campaign and a hamster-wheel-powered database.

Example: “Tried playing my apocalyptic RPG during a storm only to get Connection Coitus error messages. My character froze mid-zombie fight because Big Gaming couldn’t verify I ‘owned’ the game… which was literally in my PS5. Had to touch grass like some medieval peasant.”

Definition: A delusional human who genuinely believes their mere desire for something magically obligates others to provide it immediately. Often manifests in demanding freebies, skipping queues, or expecting unlimited emotional labor with zero reciprocity. Recognizable by pouty entitlement, performative outrage when denied, and the baffling conviction that ‘I want’ equals ‘you owe’.

Example: “Karen unleashed her inner Want Fairy at Starbucks, insisting her expired coupon ‘deserved respect’. When the barista refused a free venti unicorn frappé, she staged a sit-in protest by the napkins. Security had to explain that ‘craving’ isn’t currency.”

Definition: The deeply unsettling, soul-crushing sensation of stepping into a puddle or damp surface and feeling moisture instantly breach your sock barrier. It combines the squelchy betrayal of wet fabric clinging to your toes with the lingering chill of despair that follows. Victims experience phantom squishes for hours and contemplate arson against weather gods. Known to ruin hikes, mornings, and entire personalities.

Example: “Dude avoided every mud puddle for three blocks only to step into a hidden gutter sludge. His Soggy Sole Syndrome scream summoned neighborhood dogs. He spent the commute home barefoot, glaring at his treasonous sneakers.”

Definition: A scandalously charismatic Wi-Fi name implying your router has a history of inappropriate data exchanges and firewall breaches. Perfect for routers in shady basements or when you want to imply your internet has a notorious “presidential” appetite for risky connections. Often paired with weak passwords like “Monica123” for added thematic commitment. It’s the digital equivalent of a stained tie at a press conference.

Example: Todd’s “Bill Clinternet” network made his roommate’s dates visibly uncomfortable. One Tinder match even asked, “Is this why the Wi-Fi keeps disconnecting? Too many… interns?”

Definition: A Wi-Fi name designed to terrify boomers and conspiracy theorists by masquerading as a top-secret 5G bioweapon transmission hub. Combines pandemic panic, tin-foil-hat 5G fears, and overly technical jargon for maximum neighborhood chaos. Bonus points if your router actually is hidden in a suspiciously unmarked van. It’s like leaving a fake CIA badge at a yard sale—utterly ridiculous but weirdly effective.

Example: When Greg changed his SSID to COVID_5G_ENDPOINT_G317, Mrs. Henderson called the FCC claiming her cat got “microchipped remotely.” The local NextDoor feed immediately erupted with debates about vaccine nanobots.

Definition: The passive-aggressive digital era’s version of your neighbor awkwardly flirting via router. It transforms a mundane network broadcast into a territorial, vaguely threatening declaration of proximity. Perfect for when you suspect someone’s stealing bandwidth but lack concrete evidence, so you weaponize SSID ambiguity instead. Essentially, it’s Wi-Fi’s equivalent of leaving a suspiciously specific note on a shared fridge.

Example: Karen kept lagging during Zoom yoga, so she renamed her network to TellYourWiFiSaidHi. Now Dave next door sweats bullets every time he connects, convinced she’s auditing his Netflix binges.

Definition: When a therapist weaponizes your vulnerability by accusing you of “trauma dumping” every time you share literally anything heavier than brunch plans, despite that being the entire point of therapy. Characterized by audible sighs, eye-rolls, and zero actual coping strategies offered. The practitioner essentially bills you for the privilege of shaming your lived experiences while implying you’re emotionally littering their office. Bonus points if they frame your humanity as an inconvenience to their Spotify playlist queue.