Definition: The experience of being physically present but systematically erased from family memories, photos, or decisions like a glitch in the Matrix. Parents exhibit selective amnesia about your achievements while curating shrine-like devotion to another sibling’s needs. You become a background NPC in your own home, celebrated only through token apologies like “We’ll make it up next year” (spoiler: they won’t).

Example: They booked a Maldives trip “for Jason’s sensory recovery” but forgot my graduation.
Now their Christmas card features just the three of them photoshopped onto Mount Fuji.

Definition: A coworker who monopolizes team resources by framing every minor task as a five-alarm emergency, leaving others scrambling for scraps. Known for weaponized incompetence and crisis cosplay to hijack managers’ attention. Their self-inflicted dumpster fires always trump your deadlines, turning collaborative projects into a solo survivor challenge. Productivity plummets as they hoard the oxygen in the room.

Example: Karen’s “urgent” spreadsheet formatting demanded all-hands support while my client presentation evaporated.
Now my performance review reads “lacks initiative” beside her promotion confetti.

Definition: When parents create an impenetrable shield of accommodations around one child using their medical condition as a perpetual hall pass, rendering siblings functionally invisible. The golden child gets coddled like radioactive material while the other kid survives on emotional crumbs. Parents often weaponize “we’re doing our best” to dodge accountability, turning family dinners into a soundproof hostage situation. Ultimately, it breeds lifelong resentment camouflaged as compassion.

Example: My parents enforced silent meals because of Dave’s misophonia, so I ate in the garage for a decade.
Now they’re shocked I eloped and listed my goldfish as next of kin.

Definition: A retail affliction where sales staff become optically challenged toward customers who don’t fit their luxury-spender fantasy, thus forfeiting commissions via sartorial snap judgments. Symptoms include pointing at price tags like a museum guard and selective charm that only activates for suits. The cure is often a rival store happily taking their rejected commission while they drown in regret.

Example: Todd ignored the guy in steel-toe boots asking about the $3K sofa, claiming he was “just browsing.” His manager later flipped tables when the couple bought the entire living room set next door.

Definition: The automatic switch to baby-talk condescension triggered when someone assumes you lack basic knowledge based on your job or appearance. Often deployed by overconfident professionals who mistake tradespeople for toddlers, resulting in bafflingly unnecessary explanations of concepts like “counting.” The sartorial prejudice is strong with this one—arrive in work boots, get treated like you eat crayons.

Example: When Mrs.
Jenkins crouched to whisper, “Sweetie, circles are round!” to the electrician parent, she activated full patronomatics. He replied in a cringe-whisper: “Teacher lady, wires go zap-zap if you touch the spinny spinny!”

Definition: The dizzying moment when someone academically sheltered realizes a blue-collar worker possesses superior practical knowledge in their field. Characterized by flustered backtracking, sweating, and the distinct sound of crumbling superiority. Common when teachers discover electricians do tradesperson’s trigonometry daily or when engineers watch mechanics fix their “unfixable” prototypes with a wrench and swearing.

Definition: The phenomenon where service workers fawn excessively over clients in formal attire while treating casually dressed customers like invisible peasants. Often involves a sudden, desperate shift in demeanor when realizing the “scruffy” person actually controls the budget. Named after salespeople who physically lean in upon detecting office wear. The ultimate display of dress-code discrimination fueled by commission breath.

Definition: The delusional assumption that skilled laborers like electricians or plumbers can’t grasp “complex” subjects like math or logic. Symptoms include asking a welder if they know what gravity is or explaining Ohm’s Law to an engineer. Often stems from ivory tower syndrome and ends with the condescender awkwardly backtracking when their toilet wiring explodes.

Example: Karen hit me with trade-blindness at the BBQ, asking if my carpentry job “involved much counting.” I detailed the structural load calculations for her rotting deck and watched her melt into the guacamole.

Definition: The act of physically lowering yourself to speak to someone as if they’re a confused pug, often paired with exaggerated enunciation. Common among tall educators or retail staff weaponizing height privilege to imply intellectual superiority. Victims may retaliate with mirror crouching or asking if the condescender needs a step stool for their ego.

Example: My dentist did the full vertical condescension routine when explaining flossing—knees bent, hands on thighs, the works.
I countered by sitting on the floor and asking if she wanted juice boxes for the team.