Definition: A person who chronically prioritizes rescuing others or maintaining peace to the point of actively undermining their own well-being. They swoop in to fix problems, absorb others’ stress, and avoid conflict at all costs, mistaking this self-erasure for noble sacrifice.

This relentless “saving” inevitably leads to burnout, simmering resentment, and eroded personal boundaries. The Self-SaboSavior crashes spectacularly when they realize their neglected needs have piled up like unpaid bills, leaving them unable to function, while those they “saved” remain blissfully unaware of the cost.

Example: Despite being exhausted, Maria covered her colleague’s shifts all week, absorbing their stress until she collapsed, unnoticed by the team she saved.
He constantly silenced his own needs during arguments to keep peace, absorbing his partner’s anger until he felt invisible and utterly depleted.

Definition: The socially acceptable Ponzi scheme where you over-invest in others’ comfort at the expense of your own [emotional reserves], believing it buys loyalty. Short-term deposits of “yes” and [suppressed needs] create the [illusion of harmony] and control.

Inevitably, the emotional interest compounds. You crash when the unsustainable facade collapses into resentment, realizing you [trained everyone] to expect withdrawals from an account you never funded for yourself. It’s [self-sabotage] disguised as politeness.

Example: Maria always covered shifts and never complained, draining her emotional reserves until she snapped at a minor request, realizing her suppressed needs built unsustainable resentment.
He constantly agreed to family demands, maintaining an illusion of harmony until overwhelmed, recognizing he’d trained everyone to ignore his own depleted emotional account.

Definition: The act of forcibly maintaining a pleasant, agreeable facade while internally seething during minor conflicts or boundary violations, especially to avoid seeming difficult or causing momentary discomfort. It’s biting your tongue with a grin, swallowing frustrations to keep the artificial peace smooth.

This constant internal friction wears down emotional resilience like grinding teeth. Eventually, the [suppressed tension] erupts as [disproportionate anger] over something trivial or manifests as deep-seated resentment towards people who never realized they were crossing lines you silently polished away. It’s [people-pleasing with hidden cracks].

Example: She smiled brightly and agreed to cover her colleague’s shift *again*, while internally fuming about the constant last-minute requests.
He finally snapped over the toothpaste cap, yelling for ten minutes about disrespect after silently enduring years of minor boundary crossings.

Definition: The thick, life-sustaining sludge colloquially known as your first cup of coffee. Without this viscous, preferably black, liquid “ambition” poured directly into your system, higher brain functions remain offline, rendering complex tasks like speaking or finding pants utterly impossible.

It’s the gritty determination in mug form that propels you from “zombie shuffle” to “vaguely functional human.” True ambition isn’t career goals before 9 AM; it’s successfully navigating the kitchen while half-blind to brew the elixir that makes pretending to be awake feasible.

Example: Stumbling into the kitchen, I desperately needed my ambition before attempting anything resembling coherent conversation or finding my shoes.
.
Without that thick, black ambition hitting my system, complex tasks like remembering my password or operating the toaster remained completely out of reach.

Definition: The frantic mental arithmetic performed immediately upon waking, calculating if hitting snooze just one more time is mathematically feasible without causing catastrophic lateness. Involves complex variables like commute time, predicted shower speed, and whether breakfast can be inhaled while running.

This ritual inevitably results in false confidence (“7 minutes is PLENTY!”) followed by panicked scrambling when reality hits. The outcome is perpetually being late, yet the snoozeculation continues daily, a triumph of sleepy hope over bitter experience.

Example: Bleary-eyed, he performed frantic snoozeculation: 9 minutes snooze + 5-minute shower = perfectly fine, forgetting the inevitable search for his keys and wallet.
.
Her snoozeculation concluded skipping breakfast and a record-speed shower would work; reality involved wet hair and sprinting for the bus she barely caught.

Definition: The performative act of showering a new partner with exaggerated, saccharine-sweet affection (“puppy-dog” eyes, cutesy nicknames, constant doting) purely to manipulate or disarm them, while secretly viewing kindness as weakness and planning an eventual cold exit.

It’s emotional cosplay—acting like an adoring, devoted partner to win trust and create a false sense of security. Once hooked, the “puppy-dog” facade drops, revealing a selfish core where your needs are ignored or mocked, and leaving feels like discarding a toy they’re bored with.

Example: He laid on the “sweetheart” and “angel” nicknames thick, constantly bringing coffee and gifts, a calculated performance to disarm her before vanishing.
.
Suddenly, her texts were ignored and her needs mocked; the once-adoring boyfriend had discarded her like a broken toy he was bored with.

Definition: When someone aggressively fast-tracks commitment (meeting parents, future plans, “soulmate” declarations) while actively dodging any emotional vulnerability or deep conversation. It’s like emotional Velcro—superficially clingy but lacking genuine stickiness.

They bombard you with labels and intensity to lock you down, yet reveal nothing real about themselves or ask meaningful questions about you. It’s a tactic to create false intimacy and obligation, masking their inability (or refusal) to actually connect beyond surface-level infatuation.

Example: He declared us soulmates after two weeks, booked flights to meet his parents, yet instantly changed the subject whenever I asked about his childhood.
She constantly called me “husband material” and planned our wedding date, but never once asked about my anxieties or shared anything personal about her own struggles.

Definition: The tragically misplaced belief that bringing a pre-packaged, low-effort item (like a canned soda) to a restaurant date constitutes impressive generosity or unique charm. It’s a desperate, cheap flex that instantly backfires, revealing profound social ineptitude.

Instead of signaling thoughtfulness, it broadcasts “I’m both clueless and stingy.” The audible crack of the pull-tab sounds the death knell for any romantic potential, leaving the date mortified and servers exchanging “Well, that just happened” glances over the untouched, warm Pepsi.

Example: He proudly placed the lukewarm can of generic cola on the linen tablecloth, utterly oblivious to her cringe and the waiter’s raised eyebrow.
. Thinking the can of store-brand root beer was a charming personal touch, his cheap flex instantly killed the vibe as she stared at her untouched menu.

Definition: When someone, typically on a date, aggressively explains or dictates menu choices to their companion, overriding stated preferences or dietary restrictions in a misguided attempt to demonstrate sophistication or control. Often involves insisting on expensive items the other person doesn’t want.

This behavior reveals a profound lack of awareness and empathy, mistaking domination for charm. Witnesses cringe as the menuplainer steamrolls their date’s “I’m vegetarian” with “But the wagyu is divine!”, inevitably leading to an early solo Uber ride home.

Example: He ignored her saying she was full, loudly insisting the waiter bring the $85 truffle pasta “for the lady to experience”.
She mentioned avoiding shellfish, but he scoffed, ordering the lobster bisque anyway, declaring “You simply must try this delicacy!”

Definition: Not just the chaotic game from the comics, but the strategic art of retroactively changing the rules of any situation to guarantee your own win. It involves introducing spontaneous, nonsensical justifications mid-activity that only benefit you, rendering opponents helpless.

Practitioners thrive in debates, board games, or office politics by treating established structures as mere suggestions. True Calvinball masters weaponize nostalgia or absurdity, turning any rulebook into abstract art while declaring themselves the inevitable champion.

Example: When the meeting concluded Sarah disliked, she retroactively declared only ideas referencing childhood cartoons counted, absurdly justifying her own rejected pitch as the winner.
Mid-Monopoly, Jake claimed hotels built on green properties earned triple rent only if the owner hummed, a nonsensical rule change ensuring his declared victory that turn.