Definition: To completely abandon the entertainment industry after starring in a massive, iconic childhood role, disappearing from public view to pursue a wildly different, respectable, and often science-based career path. Involves zero nostalgia-baiting. “Remember that girl from the early 2000s…
Definition: To peace out of the spotlight at the absolute peak of your fame/career to focus entirely on being a normal-ass person, usually involving dad duties or just chilling hard. No farewell tours, no desperate comeback attempts – just vibes…
Definition: The cowardly relationship tactic of buying expensive/unexpected gifts after a major argument or toxic behavior instead of, you know, actually talking like an adult or apologizing sincerely. A shiny distraction from the underlying rot, designed to make the recipient…
Definition: The desperate, cringe-worthy act of flooding social media with overly-gushy “love letter” posts & constant couple pics, specifically to mark territory (“MINE BACK OFF”) or loudly convince yourself/the internet your dumpster fire relationship is actually #RelationshipGoals. Often features captions…
Definition: The psychotic obsession with tracking your partner’s every movement via apps like Life360, disguised as “concern.” Characterized by incessant “Why are you at [completely normal place]?” texts, announcing location changes to bystanders like a creepy GPS commentator, and declaring…
Definition: The instantaneous, reflex question barked by restaurant hostesses in the 80s/90s upon your arrival. A jarring reminder that half the dining room was a primordial cloud of Marlboro Light farts and stale smoke, while the “Non” section was merely…
Definition: The specific sequence of sounds when fast-forwarding or rewinding a cassette tape: the motor whine accelerating to a frantic buzz, culminating in a satisfyingly abrupt THUMP (or sometimes a CLACK) when the tape hit the end, followed by a…
Definition: That high-pitched, digital squeak-screech sound signaling someone just logged onto AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). More potent than caffeine for Gen X/Millennials, it triggered frantic keyboard pounding and instant hope your crush/bestie/weird guy from math class was finally online. The…
Definition: The sinister corporate/political strategy of deliberately engineering products, platforms, or messages solely to trigger addictive dopamine hits in your brain. Think infinite scroll, rage-bait headlines, algorithmically curated echo chambers, or ChatGPT telling you exactly what you want to hear.…
Definition: The terrifying, self-perpetuating hellscape of nasal spray dependency. You start using it for a legit stuffy nose, but rebound congestion turns you into its slave, needing hits every few hours just to breathe normally. Quitting feels like having concrete…